Beginning

Our Spiritual discussion group begins this Sunday. We will study, explore, and discuss our questions with each other. I'm excited to begin.

I came up with the idea for this when attending church was becoming more and more mentally/emotionally difficult for me. I would sit quietly, unable to say that I disagree. And I was beginning to disagree with more and more of what I heard. But I kept wanting to go to church. Church used to be so fulfilling for me, but as I discovered that I didn't believe in it the way I thought I had, I felt at a loss.

So I examined. WHY *had* church fulfilled my spiritual desires?

Was it the talks people gave over the pulpit?
No. I often would just pick up a theme and go on with a self talk either in my head or in my journal.

Was is the community?
Tough one. Growing up, no. I did not fit in with the other girls at all. I hated activities about make-up and walking like a model, and announcements about how tan all the girls were because they just got back from cheerleading camp. But, I did have the very strong knit community of my family, and socially, where would I be as a non-member growing up in Utah. Most of my friends were LDS, even if they weren't in my ward. So, yes. But then the only people I seemed to connect with at church, once out on m own, were those who would sometimes be self described as "on the edge." I would talk to my friends when they said they had a hard time admitting to being "Mormon" because of some of the things it implied (those things, they said, were self-righteousness, homo-phobic, pro-war, Republican, and judgmental.) I had friends who considered themselves "not just Mormon" but maybe Mormon-Buddhist, or Mormon-Pagan, etc. The further I lived from a high population of Mormons, the fewer LDS close friends I had, and the more non-member friends I had. Sometimes, I would have ONE friend from church. Strangely, at my wedding party, not one of my friends from church came. My bishop, stake president, and relief society pres came, as well as one LDS couple in our ward who new us from dancing, but not one of the *friends I made through the church came.
When I began going to the family ward, I loved seeing little kids. But Relief Society, the one place where I really felt like I could speak up, and we could actually have a conversation, no longer felt safe. Once again, they were talking about make-up ("Goodness, a true friend will tell you if you're about to teach and your lipstick has worn off. Can't let that happen!") and how good and important it is that we're at war ("I know God has sent us to free those poor people. He wouldn't let us go if it weren't right") and I no longer felt comfortable even mentioning my opinion. Not to mention my husband is not LDS, so I have a big black mark until the ward converts him ("don't worry, we'll get him" -- have you asked if I he or I want you to?) Like I won't be ok, I can't really be accepted, until he's part of it too.
Socially yes, socially no.

What is it socially that fulfills me?
The thing I like about Mormonism, that makes me adverse to really seeking any sort of replacement Church, is that there's not one preacher. Everything is run by peers. Therefore, I felt safe disagreeing. If the Sunday School teacher says something I feel is wrong, it's (usually) ok to raise my hand and say so. If someone's teaching style doesn't do anything for me, I may have the option of another class or just wait until someone else becomes the teacher.
I would definitely not be ok with the idea of one person preaching, and the rest of us accepting. I don't like the idea of one person with all the answers. I like the idea of our own personal relationships with divinity, and our own personal applications of that relationship.
And, I like to talk. Just listening to spiritual ideas doesn't do much for me. Just keeping them to myself doesn't do much either. I have a much harder time with private prayer than I do with public prayer. I like to process outloud, and to shore it with someone. I don't need them to blankly accept everything I believe or say. I also don't want to debate it, convince or be convinced of another way. I just want to talk, to explore, discuss, share.

And I don't feel ok doing that at church anymore. Not just because I don't truly feel comfortable with the people. Mostly because I have so many questions and disagreements right now that I couldn't honestly say how I feel without being shocking or "contentious." Church is not the place for that. I don't want to cause or contribute to contention. But I do want to ask my questions and openly seek answers, not just accept things like "you have to take it on faith" or "sometimes we just don't know, what's important is obedience."

To me, faith IS exploring. I wrote a long essay exploring the process of faith. To me, it's exactly like the scientific method. You observe what works, you come up with why you think it may work, and then you fully actively explore if that is true or not. Of course, what you discover from one round through the process is still just a theory (faith!), but there is no law, no knowledge until every possible cause has been explored. We're only limited by the possible causes we can imagine and our abilities to explore them. "Zen, and the Art of Motorcycle Maintainace" explore this idea well, I think.

So, I'm creating a group of people I can discuss and explore with. Perhaps they are exploring different things in different ways than I am. That's ok. I just want to feel safe talking about it, with others who want to talk about it.

Would you like to join us?