Truth in People
Ryan posted this as a comment, but I think it deserves its own post. Sorry I don't have time to format it into its original paragraphs right now...
An experience just came to mind. When I was on my mission in South Africa I had first served in the black segregated areas. A little further down the road I was in the first white ward in that province. Pretty much every other ward had split off from that one. They said welcome to zion. We brought an investigator to church who was black and the whites told them to move out of their seat. A little while later we were visiting a member and she asked if we had any baptsims coming up and we said yes. She said is it one of those beep beep beep black people? I was so angry and upset. I felt like I was becoming racist against white people. How could they do that? I prayed to Heavenly Father and said in a mean tone of voice, prove to me there's such a thing as a decent white member in this country because I don't believe it. I really wasn't expecting proof, I was just venting. I said they don't understand the gospel if this is how they treat people. A funny thing happened. I was transferred to the richest whitest city in my mission. Prior to and after this area I had many baptisms and taught many discussions in every area. But in this area in one month we taugh 1 discussion. The only thing that happened was I was shown there was white members who understood and loved the gospel. They were incredible. I was transferred from that area to the highest teaching and baptizing area in the mission. But I cried like a baby when I left. My prayer was answered.The truth is I have been so hurt by people in this life that I don't care for almost anyone. I have for the last 17 years become incredibly withdrawn from the world and drew closer to God. The only beauty I see is in nature. When I see people I see everything that's wrong with them and think why should I even try to get to know them? Why should I care? I had been so incredible obedient to the gospel yet I was saying I hate people. Then I was lead to this one soulofthemoon. I was shown all that was wrong with me. I tried to push Emily away. Basically everything I saw as wrong she saw as beautiful. This is so hard for me because I tried to do it her way with herself and someone else you know. Emily was true the whole time and the other proved that my orignal attitude was right and I never should have tried to begin with. I am struggling with the truth of who people really are. It kills me to know I am seeing things in the wrong perspective. But how many Emily's do I need to know to help changed that. It's not even possible when I have put up this brick wall to begin with.Religious and scientific truths are great. The truth that totally troubles me at this time is people. How do you find the truth in people? There, I'm not so positive and see the world as far as people go in a very polluted and corrupt state. Yet I am corrupted because of how I have allowed my perspective to be polluted. Do any of you know how to find this type of truth? I am deaf and blind to it. I can only see and hear cleary with Emily. There was another and I was proved to be a fool. I am struggling so bad with this right now.
10:10 PM
An experience just came to mind. When I was on my mission in South Africa I had first served in the black segregated areas. A little further down the road I was in the first white ward in that province. Pretty much every other ward had split off from that one. They said welcome to zion. We brought an investigator to church who was black and the whites told them to move out of their seat. A little while later we were visiting a member and she asked if we had any baptsims coming up and we said yes. She said is it one of those beep beep beep black people? I was so angry and upset. I felt like I was becoming racist against white people. How could they do that? I prayed to Heavenly Father and said in a mean tone of voice, prove to me there's such a thing as a decent white member in this country because I don't believe it. I really wasn't expecting proof, I was just venting. I said they don't understand the gospel if this is how they treat people. A funny thing happened. I was transferred to the richest whitest city in my mission. Prior to and after this area I had many baptisms and taught many discussions in every area. But in this area in one month we taugh 1 discussion. The only thing that happened was I was shown there was white members who understood and loved the gospel. They were incredible. I was transferred from that area to the highest teaching and baptizing area in the mission. But I cried like a baby when I left. My prayer was answered.The truth is I have been so hurt by people in this life that I don't care for almost anyone. I have for the last 17 years become incredibly withdrawn from the world and drew closer to God. The only beauty I see is in nature. When I see people I see everything that's wrong with them and think why should I even try to get to know them? Why should I care? I had been so incredible obedient to the gospel yet I was saying I hate people. Then I was lead to this one soulofthemoon. I was shown all that was wrong with me. I tried to push Emily away. Basically everything I saw as wrong she saw as beautiful. This is so hard for me because I tried to do it her way with herself and someone else you know. Emily was true the whole time and the other proved that my orignal attitude was right and I never should have tried to begin with. I am struggling with the truth of who people really are. It kills me to know I am seeing things in the wrong perspective. But how many Emily's do I need to know to help changed that. It's not even possible when I have put up this brick wall to begin with.Religious and scientific truths are great. The truth that totally troubles me at this time is people. How do you find the truth in people? There, I'm not so positive and see the world as far as people go in a very polluted and corrupt state. Yet I am corrupted because of how I have allowed my perspective to be polluted. Do any of you know how to find this type of truth? I am deaf and blind to it. I can only see and hear cleary with Emily. There was another and I was proved to be a fool. I am struggling so bad with this right now.
10:10 PM
posted by Amberlynn at 3:38 PM
7 Comments:
Ryan said...
Thanks Yellow.
Yup! I'll comment on it when I have time. (aka, when I'm not at work.)
How do you define one perfect tree?
All have knots and snarls, crooked branches - proof that they've weathered the storms to survive long enough to create a sturdy trunk and grounded roots. All are different, unique, and a culmination of what they have been.
People are no different. Each of us comes to every moment in our lives with no knowledge of the future, and nothing but memory of our past. It is how we have let the past affect us that that creates who we have chosen to become.
It is with your experiences that you view and judge others. If you remember that who they are, and what their reactions stem from their own past.
I don't know if I'm making any clear sense here. I'll just attempt to tie back to my original thought, how do you define one perfect person?
What do you seek for in finding "truth is people." Sure, there are flaws. There are gloriously wonderful flaws. There are perfections. There is culmination of our creation in each of us.
THIS is what I see as truth. Not the words people say to me, not their reactions, etc., but my perception of their reactions is all I have, and I choose what to do with that perception.
Ryan said....
I have been reading the Book of Mormon a lot lately. One thing that has stuck out to me is honesty.
The nephites were at war with the lamanites and Ammon comes across the king of the lamanites and then the king gives him his word. Ammon never feared because the king gave him his word. Or even earlier in the book with the nephites who were brought into bondage at the time of Abinadi. Again the king of the lamanites gave his word that they wouldn't come to war and even his people honored the kings word.
I think of today if an enemy had a knife to someone's throat and said do this or that and I will spare your life. The other would agree and then immediately go back on his word as soon as he had leverage in his favor again.
I have a hard time believing what is real in people. People seem to hold back so much. They don't show who they really are. Everyone appears to have an ulterior motive until you get to know the real person, raw and free of concern.
I don't even want to try to get to know people because it takes forever to know the real person behind the many layers of protection. Which each layer representing a past experience.
When I talk to someone I don't hold anything back. I'm real. That intimidates people and for some makes them feel free to be real with me in return.
I just want us all to be free. Really free. Emotionally free. I guess it's just a desire because if I was truly emotionally free then as I said that would encourage instead of intmidate people to be likewise with me. Emily P is the only person I have ever known who let me be me and then she didn't hold back one bit. Not one layer at a time. This existed from the moment we met.
I know all trees are different and have beauty in their differences as are people. If people were only easier and more honest in getting to know them.
"I have a hard time believing what is real in people. People seem to hold back so much. They don't show who they really are. Everyone appears to have an ulterior motive until you get to know the real person, raw and free of concern. "
This is SO sad to me, that you have a generalized prejudice like this. I believe people live up to my expectations of them. In who I am, I REQUIRE honesty in others. How, I don't exactly know. I think it's because I love them. Hello stranger for the first time. My first impression is to LOVE you. Now, show me who you are. Somehow, it GIVES people the freedom to show me major parts of themseleves, their vulnerabilities and everything. They may not always me ready to tell me everything, to open up. I think they know I know that, and that it's ok, I love them anyway.
And it works! I don't do it to be manipulative, to eek info out of people. I do it because I want to be, and think I am, the type of person who lets others feel supported for who they are - right then. I can't tell you how many times people have poured out their souls to me when I've just met them, or get into a big deep discussion, etc.
I cannot and will not lie. I am not always ready to share all of myself with everyone. I try to shore what will benefit others most. I do stupid things. I'm forgetful. I freely give others permission to love me or hate me. I love me. I love [all of] You.
But, I promise you Ryan, when you expect people to have walls and dishonest layers they WILL. Your projections have powers beyond your perceptions. Whoa, that was a lot of P's. I didn't even try.
Ryan said...
I don't see any other way to see it.
"It is with your experiences that you view and judge others. If you remember that who they are, and what their reactions stem from their own past."
My past has shown that people aren't nice to be nice. They're putting up a false front to get something from me. I proved this to be true for the first 18 years of my life and vowed never to be vulnerable just to be trampled on later.
Again I met this person who both yourself, Paul, Audrey and Emily P know, along with most of your group of friends. I had my guard up from the moment I met this person because I knew she could hurt me and refused to be trampled by her. I had about 40 experiences that kept bringing me back to her. I kept saying no she's not going to do that to me. It never went away. No matter what I did. Every time I thought this was gone it came back. I finally decided to stop fighting it and protecting myself and to let things go. It seemed to work and I was feeling alive. Then at my first attempt to try my new feeling of being alive, I was trampled on. After close to 2 years of holding back because of my past. I asked for an explaination and this person refuses to even talk to me. Why did I open myself up to this? This is someone who preached how much they love to be vulnerable and connect with people. Oh well at least this time I think it really has gone away for good.
I actually have also had long deep conversations with many people for hours on end. For the most part it was at my first meeting with the person.
Can you see why I'm confused? I had an impression of this person and refused to give in. Then I give in and my original impression was right. You know how highly I think of Emily P. Well this person was barely below her on how impressed I was. My attempt failed and showed me that my attitude from my first 18 years was true for her. Not even worth the effort. So if Emily P is 100% and this other person is 99% and that failed then where should that leave me with those in the bottom 98% or most of the world. I am really struggling now because I thought I was overcoming some of my deep pains from earlier in my life. I thought I was starting to see the good in people in general. I just hold on to my dear Emily P. I'm scared to have anything to do with the other 98% and especially this other person.
Therefore I have strengthened my desire to overcome. I can't do this alone or with Emily P. This is something I need help from God with and I am using every tool given to man to receive help from on high. I have been shown my faults and the light by Emily P and even this other person.
Sorry it's so long. I guess I'm being vulnerable. Really vulnerable because you know the person who did this to me and probably laugh and mock at my weakness like she did.
I am good at everything I do except with people. This was the first time in a long time that I tried. I even prayed for help and said to God I was going to be different at church the day I met Emily P. He lead me to her. Someone who is very good at what I am very weak in.
Ok this is getting long. I'm very passionate about this right now, i'm sorry.
wow. thank you Ryan.
I'm so proud of the work you are doing to try to turn a weakness into a strength.
Lumina
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