How to Love a Leaver
Most all of you are affiliated with the LDS church. Many of you have been very active at times, one of those times perhaps being now.
I previously shared with you my letter to my family explaining why I've had to take a break from the church. I must admit that the more I've been away from it (strictly in terms of CHURCH itself - I still believe in and live the high standards) the more I doubt I'll return.
I think I also shared with you the surprising outpouring of love I received from my siblings - and perhaps my struggles with my fathers' reply... that he missed my point entirely.
I was having the most wonderful Christmas I can remember, with my amazingly loving husband and his wonderful family. The gift I was most excited to receive was a draft life history that my mother sent us. I spent a lot of time Christmas Eve and Christmas Day reading the story of her life. I felt connected to her in a way I haven't before.
Then, I reached the section about her children's weddings. She went in order of when they got married, which meant I was last. It was fascinating to hear her account of who each of my siblings were as children - and what good wonderful people they were. She would then tell the story of how they met their future partner, and then the wedding. I was really looking forward to seeing what my mother would have to say about me as a child.
When I reached my paragraph I was given two lines: "We got a call from our daughter telling us she was marrying a man we'd never met before that Friday. We've learned we need to trust the Lord, despite our failings." I was terribly heart broken. I couldn't help myself, and emailed my mother - requesting a revision. I told her I wasn't asking her to lie, If I was her failure, let her keep that in, but at least say something about me. Who I was, and who I am.
She emailed back today and said she would write more about my wedding when she could, but she can't now.
My father also wrote. Here are some excerpts from his letter:
"Sorry you were a little disappointed to just about tears [it was beyond "just about," fyi] when you read your section of moms life history. It was most likely very hard for mom to write about something she feels she has lost for eternity and worked so hard to teach true principles of the Gospel to. ...But I guess you are in a sense no different than Laman and Lemuel who had all kinds of signs given to them and just decided that they knew best. Their parents tried in vain to teach them but they kept finding faults they felt their father had that caused their misery. The difference is that we are your parents, but most likely feel the same pain that their father felt.
Now, I know that if any of what I say pricks your heart, I know that you in the back of your mind still have those beliefs, if it doesn't, then, you have lost that testimony that we know you once had."
YES my heart is pricked, but not because "in the back of my mind I still have those beliefs." Again, the more I research - both my heart, MY history, and the church - the further from many of those beliefs I get, and the further I realize they have been. I'm pricked because being told by my father that I am evil and lost hurts.
Words like my father said to me "I know that if any of what I say pricks your heart" stem from what has been ingrained in him through his lifetime in the church. I've sat through many church discussions on why people leave, and how to "deal" with it. Now, from experiencing it first hand, I can say (at least in my case) that what was always discussed in church is way off base. Me, and the people I know who have "lost" their testimony in the church don't fit into the standard stock of people who leave, and the reasons for my/our heartache are nothing like what they talked about in church.
Some of these misconceptions for why people leave the church are: they've gotten lazy in developing their relationship with God, they've quit praying, they feel the standards are just too high, they've been offended by someone at church.
Some of the misdirected ideas of how to "deal" with these peole are: continue to "reach out" and bear your testimony to them, find out if they're reading the Book of Mormon, find out if they're still praying, pray that they will come back.
The most heartbreaking misconception for me personally, is that these people are sad because they've lost the spirit.
I've already written about why I began the steps of leaving. Although not a single person from my church has "reached out" to me in any way, or even attempted to contact me since I've left, those in my family continue to bear their testimony to me, and tell me they know I still believe and just have to hope that I'll come back.
The heartbreak, is that in a gospel supposedly centered on love and family, that love between others and family truly is taught to be conditional. If I have grown into differing beliefs than my parents - they can only love with the hope that I will return to what they've taught me - and live with the misunderstanding that I have "strayed." There was MUCH good and love in my upbringing, and I believe that I am still good, and worthy of complete love. I have not strayed from the love of family, love of scholarship, love of service, love of good health, and desire to improve that was instilled in me through my family. I have not lost the lessons of parents who taught by example love for each other and for us. There are countless other goods that my parents have taught me that I have infused in my being.
I had a thought early on that I was to be the one to teach my family how to love. I had no idea what that meant, but now I know. I am the trial of their faith. I too, must wait for them to come around - as they are waiting for me to come around. But we (both them and I) must all be careful to our perceptions of what "coming around" means. They will never change in their dedication to the church, and I do not want them to. I want to be loved for who I am. I want to be shown an attempt to understand me, not an attempt to guilt me into being who they think I need to be.
Have you had your love for others tested like this? How do you "deal with it?"
I previously shared with you my letter to my family explaining why I've had to take a break from the church. I must admit that the more I've been away from it (strictly in terms of CHURCH itself - I still believe in and live the high standards) the more I doubt I'll return.
I think I also shared with you the surprising outpouring of love I received from my siblings - and perhaps my struggles with my fathers' reply... that he missed my point entirely.
I was having the most wonderful Christmas I can remember, with my amazingly loving husband and his wonderful family. The gift I was most excited to receive was a draft life history that my mother sent us. I spent a lot of time Christmas Eve and Christmas Day reading the story of her life. I felt connected to her in a way I haven't before.
Then, I reached the section about her children's weddings. She went in order of when they got married, which meant I was last. It was fascinating to hear her account of who each of my siblings were as children - and what good wonderful people they were. She would then tell the story of how they met their future partner, and then the wedding. I was really looking forward to seeing what my mother would have to say about me as a child.
When I reached my paragraph I was given two lines: "We got a call from our daughter telling us she was marrying a man we'd never met before that Friday. We've learned we need to trust the Lord, despite our failings." I was terribly heart broken. I couldn't help myself, and emailed my mother - requesting a revision. I told her I wasn't asking her to lie, If I was her failure, let her keep that in, but at least say something about me. Who I was, and who I am.
She emailed back today and said she would write more about my wedding when she could, but she can't now.
My father also wrote. Here are some excerpts from his letter:
"Sorry you were a little disappointed to just about tears [it was beyond "just about," fyi] when you read your section of moms life history. It was most likely very hard for mom to write about something she feels she has lost for eternity and worked so hard to teach true principles of the Gospel to. ...But I guess you are in a sense no different than Laman and Lemuel who had all kinds of signs given to them and just decided that they knew best. Their parents tried in vain to teach them but they kept finding faults they felt their father had that caused their misery. The difference is that we are your parents, but most likely feel the same pain that their father felt.
Now, I know that if any of what I say pricks your heart, I know that you in the back of your mind still have those beliefs, if it doesn't, then, you have lost that testimony that we know you once had."
YES my heart is pricked, but not because "in the back of my mind I still have those beliefs." Again, the more I research - both my heart, MY history, and the church - the further from many of those beliefs I get, and the further I realize they have been. I'm pricked because being told by my father that I am evil and lost hurts.
Words like my father said to me "I know that if any of what I say pricks your heart" stem from what has been ingrained in him through his lifetime in the church. I've sat through many church discussions on why people leave, and how to "deal" with it. Now, from experiencing it first hand, I can say (at least in my case) that what was always discussed in church is way off base. Me, and the people I know who have "lost" their testimony in the church don't fit into the standard stock of people who leave, and the reasons for my/our heartache are nothing like what they talked about in church.
Some of these misconceptions for why people leave the church are: they've gotten lazy in developing their relationship with God, they've quit praying, they feel the standards are just too high, they've been offended by someone at church.
Some of the misdirected ideas of how to "deal" with these peole are: continue to "reach out" and bear your testimony to them, find out if they're reading the Book of Mormon, find out if they're still praying, pray that they will come back.
The most heartbreaking misconception for me personally, is that these people are sad because they've lost the spirit.
I've already written about why I began the steps of leaving. Although not a single person from my church has "reached out" to me in any way, or even attempted to contact me since I've left, those in my family continue to bear their testimony to me, and tell me they know I still believe and just have to hope that I'll come back.
The heartbreak, is that in a gospel supposedly centered on love and family, that love between others and family truly is taught to be conditional. If I have grown into differing beliefs than my parents - they can only love with the hope that I will return to what they've taught me - and live with the misunderstanding that I have "strayed." There was MUCH good and love in my upbringing, and I believe that I am still good, and worthy of complete love. I have not strayed from the love of family, love of scholarship, love of service, love of good health, and desire to improve that was instilled in me through my family. I have not lost the lessons of parents who taught by example love for each other and for us. There are countless other goods that my parents have taught me that I have infused in my being.
I had a thought early on that I was to be the one to teach my family how to love. I had no idea what that meant, but now I know. I am the trial of their faith. I too, must wait for them to come around - as they are waiting for me to come around. But we (both them and I) must all be careful to our perceptions of what "coming around" means. They will never change in their dedication to the church, and I do not want them to. I want to be loved for who I am. I want to be shown an attempt to understand me, not an attempt to guilt me into being who they think I need to be.
Have you had your love for others tested like this? How do you "deal with it?"
posted by Amberlynn at 2:15 PM
6 Comments:
Here's what I wrote to my father:
Dear Daddy,
I want to understand you - from your perspective. I try really hard.
I'm very sorry that you've always felt like you've done everything wrong when it comes to me. I haven't felt that way at all, and I feel really bad that I've made you feel that way.
We must have very differing views of our relationship since I was in high school. I remember feeling frustrated that everything I did was a dissapointment to you, and for a long time took an internally difficult route of seeking your approval. Then one day, I decided to change tactics. Instead of simply seeking your approval, I decided to seek understanding... both doing my best to understand your perspective, and doing my best to explain mine to you. To me, the day we sat and talked about my friendship with Keith was a breakthrough. I left not only feeling a greater love for you, but feeling loved an understood by you. Since then, I thought we've had many insightful and deepening conversations. I've enjoyed our political debates - and actually get a kick out of how they seem to circle back to the same arguments each time.
I can't think of wrong things you've done. I think we are both similar in how we don't hesitate to tackle something head-on if we feel there is a problem. This gets us both into a lot of trouble of often saying things in a way that are interpreted in a way far different than we intended.
Again, I'm heartbreakingly sorry that you feel, and believe with every part of your soul, that my decisions have made me eternally lost to you. But I must appeal to you that I do not feel the same way. UNLIKE Laman and Lemual, I do not blame you for anything, I do not find your belief system crazy, I do not seek to divide our family, I do not seek to usurp any blessings of yours or my siblings, and I could go on.
I also do not feel I've totally missed the many valuable lessons I've been taught. I believe my values are still exceptionally high, and also highly value the way I've been raised.
All I can appeal for, is that if you want to show your love for me, please seek understanding. If you want to *demonstrate* your love for me - telling me that I am just like Laman and Lemuel sends me the wrong message. Telling me that I'm going to turn out just like my Mothers' siblings sends me the wrong message. I'm sure you don't intend to tell me that your love for me is conditional, but saying these things sends me that message. (And I could give you many illustrations why my path is not the same as those you tell me I am turning into.) The message you are sending me is that you don't believe I can be a good person, who values my parents and the lessons they taught me, unless I do so exactly the same way you believe. I'm really sorry that you believe I am headed quickly down a path of evil. I can't stress enough to you how difficult this journey has been for me - but how I feel as close to my Father in Heaven as I ever did, and truly am trying to be humble and follow the path he wants for me. I'm sorrier still that I believe the right path for me is not within the church at this time. I'm sorry that I am your failure.
But I can't deny my inner integrity. I cannot at this time go back to church simply to try to win your approval. I've learned from life experience that living out my path just in order to seek your approval brings only dissapointment. But seeking understanding brings deeper love.
I DO understand having a child leave the church is the worst nightmare of any parent in the church. But, perhaps, if we both continue to honestly try to understand each other - our love will deepen, and not turn into a scar of nothing but heartbreak for both of us.
I love you, and Mom, and the great examples you have always been ,
Ber
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I am terribly sorry. I can't imagine how lonely this situation must make you feel. I only encourage you to love your family. It is so difficult to set aside feelings of hurt (which are completely justified), but I do think that is what will help. While I find your parents' behavior horrifying, I think making a sincere attempt to understand them will ease your sadness.
Both of my parents died three years ago, four months apart. I find that this experience has helped me understand the promise that LDS doctrine holds. There is such a bond, a love, between families, that to have it be broken by death is terrifying. Losing my parents is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and will only be matched by the death of my other family members. It is impossible for me to communicate how terrible death is. To those that hold the LDS gospel to be true, there is an immense feeling of relief. They won't have to endure the pain of forever being apart from their families. Of having their loved ones not exist anymore. I see it as the only thing that has helped my brother and sister, and the hope I have in its truth, however slight that hope is, is what helps me. I think that your parents are probably frightened beyond anything at the idea of losing their child. The problem presented is obvious: they are so terrified of losing their child because she doesn't subscribe to their faith that they alienate her. As absurd as the situation is, I think they are reacting out of their enormous love for you. They are acting poorly, there is no doubt about that. Their actions are immature and lacking in wisdom. But I find it hard to imagine that they are acting this way because they lack in love for you.
I'm very sorry that you have to face such treatment. It's unimaginable to me. I would be furious if my family pulled this crap on me. But it's your family. These are your parents. Make the most of your relationship. Insist on being loving. Be obnoxious in your love. Force yourself into your parents' lives. Be as present as humanly possible. Let it be clear that you will always love them and consider them your family. Drop by their house to hang out. Call them on the phone. Go to movies with them. Avoid talking about religion if that helps. Just be there. Don't be so hurt that you lose them now. Forgive them. And forgive them when they are awful tomorrow, and the next day.
Amberlynn, I haven't figured out how to deal with it exactly, but talking about it like this is a good start.
I’ve been dealing with a similar struggle in my own family. My family has dealt with my leaving the Church with silence. The last time I spoke to my father (two or three months ago) I gave him the address to my blog and made sure that he has my e-mail address (he uses e-mail regularly) for about the 20th time since I’ve started using e-mail (over 10 years). I asked him to read the blog and to let me know what he thought, and he said that he would. Haven’t heard from him since. This isn’t necessarily abnormal, since his frequency of contact is typically three or four times a year, but considering what he would have found on my blog I expected some type of reaction.
My two sisters read my blog but haven’t mentioned it to me. They’re pleasant when we speak on the phone and they tell me about their kids and so on just like nothing ever happened. They send me occasional e-mails but never ask about religious issues.
My mom is the only family member other than my non-LDS brother that has actually asked me any questions about it at all. She gently probed and I tried my best to explain my thoughts and feelings to her. Our conversation went OK, but I felt like she wasn’t really speaking her mind. I brought it up again in a later conversation and asked her why my sisters hadn’t responded in any way. She replied that they and their spouses were hurt and angry and didn’t know what to say to me. I asked why they would be angry and she said that they felt like I was turning my back on my obligations to the Church. My mom said that she was trying to understand me and she expressed her love mormon or not. I’m trying really hard to believe that she really means that but it feels more like she’s saying the words that she’s supposed to say.
Our whole family will be together in Utah in a couple of weeks and I expect that we’ll have a chance to talk about it in person. I’ve been thinking about this visit for several months now, hoping that there is a way to deal with the subject in a spirit of love and understanding.
For those of you that are active LDS please try to realize that leaving the Church is a painful decision and transition. It is almost certain anyone you know that has recently left the Church is feeling upset and alone, in need of your love and support. I’m not saying you have to agree with their decision to leave, but that you should recognize and support who they are as people and the good that they stand for. Many people that I know that have left the Church feeling compelled to do so out of a sense of integrity. They engaged some very difficult questions and came up with answers that precluded their activity in the Church because it would be fraudulent.
The prejudiced ideas that the only people that leave the church are people that, didn’t pray and read their scriptures enough, can’t control their carnal desires, were offended by someone, or were seduced by the philosophies of satan, are not only condescending and insulting, but they are often a distraction from what is truly happening.
Try to exercise empathy for your loved one and imagine that you have made a discovery that contradicts one of your most sacred beliefs. Your family and friends share the sacred belief that you have discovered to be false. Feeling forlorn at the loss of this precious thing, you turn to the people that have the most capacity to help you through this difficult time. Instead of listening to you, they turn off. Instead of holding out a hand to comfort you, they shame you, call you weak, compare you to wicked people from the scriptures, tell you they just don’t know who you are anymore. Almost worse than that, they exclude you, they neglect you, it’s just too uncomfortable for them. You feel completely invalidated, and that’s what you are.
The hurt that you feel as loved ones create distance through outright disrespect or from the lonesome silence is hard to forgive. Bitterness often follows the apparent hypocrisy of the “Christian” people that you trusted. In this state of extreme vulnerability, it would be easy to take comfort from self-destructive sources. I believe this scenario happens frequently.
My plea to LDS people is to rise above the labels of “inactive”, “non-mormon”, or “ex-mormon”, and live what you claim to believe; the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Let go of your anger and disappointment and leave the judgment to God, reaching out with kindness and charity to those around you and you will discover a great source of joy in your life. Don’t take someone’s apostasy as a personal insult to you; it’s not about you. More than anything, my plea to you is to recognize and validate the good in the people in your life instead of focusing on their differences.
I want to close this writing by thanking my LDS friends that have loved me though my transition and been there for me when I needed them. Thanks for listening.
When we started the group, the point was to explore spiritual ideas in a safe environment. This doesn’t mean that we have to agree with each other’s decisions; everyone’s entitled to air their opinion. The “safe environment” part of the group simply means that we won’t treat someone else badly for their opinion. We won’t belittle them, shame them, or tell them they’re wrong and we’re right.
For me, I’m not asking any of my LDS friends/family to support my decision to leave the Church. I’m asking them to still be a part of my life, sharing love, whether I’m LDS or not. I’m asking them to validate the good that I do in the world whether I’m LDS or not. I realize that it would be inauthentic for my LDS family/friends to be happy about my decision to leave the Church. It would be ridiculous for me to expect them to change their beliefs and start thinking like me. It’s all about being treated with respect.
Ryan, I respect you for wanting to fight for your friend’s spiritual lives. I didn’t direct my post to anything you said in particular. My post is to LDS people in general and the point is that in fighting for your friends or family the tool to use is always love, not condescension, shame, insults, or disrespect. Those tactics are the ones that will push someone over that metaphorical cliff. Through love and respect, honoring one’s feelings, we draw them closer to us. If you want to fight for your friends that have left the Church, then show them love; show them that you care about them unconditionally.
I do want to respond to your comment about believers in the Church being a minority. I think it’s very important to realize that someone that leaves the Church is an even smaller minority. I don’t fit in with all the other 8 billion people out there because they don’t understand what it’s like to be Mormon and go through the painful process of questioning your faith and culture and deciding to leave.
I feel like I can only be fully understood by a very small number of people that have left the Church for similar reasons as me. It’s not like I left the Church to fit in with non-LDS people. I will never really fit in with them because the Church will always be a big part of my life. From past experiences to current familial relationships the Church will be a force in my life that someone who has never experienced Mormonism will never be able to really relate to.
I don’t bring any of that up to ask for anyone’s sympathy, but to promote understanding.
I skimmed all these responses and comments. I understand the importance of voice, and I value the words that I read. I did not read them calmly, as calmly as this comment will appear when posted.
But I'm calmer now.
I'd like to answer Amberlynn's question.
"Have you had your love for others tested like this? How do you "deal with it?"
You can't see me cry. Amberlynn, what I know of Love in any capacity is that Time is its worst enemy and its best friend. And that in any way you want, you get to use it.
What I know of the Universe is that it is already equipped with all the answers we need for our paths. Like a perfect scavenger hunt.
What I know of you is that you have the capacity to find everything you ever desired to know. I trust your path. I trust your search. You are inspiring and beautiful.
I believe that your soul is DELICIOUS...
To Jesus.
To Buddha.
To the Universe.
To the Goddess.
To Brahman.
To Your Unified Husband.
To Your Future Child.
To Your Soul.
To Anyone Else who chooses to really know you.
I want to say more, but I might scream and break my computer.
Thank you for your vulnerability, and your example.
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