The Marathon is on a Sunday
And I'm getting Mormon enough to care about that....
sheesh.
I can take the sacrament again, today would have been my first Sunday to do that, but I overslept and got to church late and missed it. And then the talks were on the importance of the sacrament.
The Seoul West(?) Mission President Pres. Ringwood spoke. I love how he speaks slowly and deliberately, he will pause and look at you, giving you a moment to process and feel what he has just said. He inspires me. I believe what he says. He reminds me of Bishop Croft.
Is it okay to lean on his testimony till I have one of my own?
I bore my testimony last week and talked of being in the flabby "before" photo of a testimony, and being excited about a firm fit "after" photo in a while.
I paid so much money in tithing settlement. It's really amazing and crazy the law of tithing, I can't believe it. Heavenly Father really challenges us and expects us to live up to much more potential than even idealistic me can see.
I'm challenged by life as a Latter-Day Saint. I think that is a good thing. It makes me wonder if I should grade harder as a Professor.
The Book of Mormon challenge deadline is looming, and I haven't finished 2 Nephi!
I'm still not thrilled with the Book of Mormon. I struggled to make it through the isaiah stuff in 2 Ne. Why is it there? It made me fall asleep.
I don't know what to do about friends like Mike's. A sweet affectionate EFY counselor man who is full of love and life and is Gay and Mormon.
Please tell me if I'm getting really narrowminded and judgemental as I get more and more back into church. I don't ever ever ever want to be those things.
I feel so happy lately, and I'm blaming it on church.
I love you all, and want to hear more from you on this blog!
sheesh.
I can take the sacrament again, today would have been my first Sunday to do that, but I overslept and got to church late and missed it. And then the talks were on the importance of the sacrament.
The Seoul West(?) Mission President Pres. Ringwood spoke. I love how he speaks slowly and deliberately, he will pause and look at you, giving you a moment to process and feel what he has just said. He inspires me. I believe what he says. He reminds me of Bishop Croft.
Is it okay to lean on his testimony till I have one of my own?
I bore my testimony last week and talked of being in the flabby "before" photo of a testimony, and being excited about a firm fit "after" photo in a while.
I paid so much money in tithing settlement. It's really amazing and crazy the law of tithing, I can't believe it. Heavenly Father really challenges us and expects us to live up to much more potential than even idealistic me can see.
I'm challenged by life as a Latter-Day Saint. I think that is a good thing. It makes me wonder if I should grade harder as a Professor.
The Book of Mormon challenge deadline is looming, and I haven't finished 2 Nephi!
I'm still not thrilled with the Book of Mormon. I struggled to make it through the isaiah stuff in 2 Ne. Why is it there? It made me fall asleep.
I don't know what to do about friends like Mike's. A sweet affectionate EFY counselor man who is full of love and life and is Gay and Mormon.
Please tell me if I'm getting really narrowminded and judgemental as I get more and more back into church. I don't ever ever ever want to be those things.
I feel so happy lately, and I'm blaming it on church.
I love you all, and want to hear more from you on this blog!
posted by luminainfinite at 8:03 PM
6 Comments:
Here is one way to look at a testimony: Everyone has to make a decision, be it every once in a while or every few moments, about whether they are going to live according to the guidelines set out by the church. In that moment of decision, the factors that sway you are your testimony. It is kind of like you are calling witnesses in a little courtroom in your mind. I think it is less revealing for people to say "I have a testimony" than it would be for them simply to share the witnesses that they call up in their own mind when they make the decisions for themselves.
As for my friend, he plans to find a male companion. Our discussions have given us an opportunity to revive a friendship that had been lagging a little since college. Even if I don't agree with what he is doing, it almost seems a necesary part of his progression.
Your comment about grading harder as a professor was funny. I am a fairly academic fellow and it is possible that at some point I will be a professor of some sort, and I have wondered how I would be able to impart the most important things I have learned. On the one hand I would want the students to to be driven by their own curiosity. On the other hand there is something fulfilling about having very high expectations and struggling hard to meet them.
My favorite teachers/professors I ever had were *not* easy A's. In fact, I experimented while in college trying to find out how much work it would take to fail a class. (It was never really hard for me to earn A's, I just had to actually think with the more difficult professors.) I learned that it takes a GOOD teacher, who really cares about learning, to fail you. I was angry the first time I attempted to do F worthy work, and earned a B. Did the work I actually try to do mean anything?
Incidentally, this is exactlly along the lines of why I have taken a break from church. I'm no longer settling on the ease of going along with what I've always been taught. I'm not just settling for what feels comfortable. It was uncomfortable, very uncomfortable, when I realized that most of what I "believed in" or agreed with at church was only after person re-interpretation of what was being said. What a wake up call to realize that what I actually believed, and what I thought I believed were not at all the same thing.
I can't go by feelings alone anymore. If something doesn't make sense, if there's something that doesn't add up, I have to look into it - even if it means the pain of finding out I don't believe what many my friends and family do.
But I'm happy, too, and I blame it on the exact same thing I always have - when I was very active in the church - to now. It's my integrity to myself, and to what I believe "God's" opinion of me is... if they are in line, I am happy. That's why I had to be fully open with my family about where I stand regarding the church.
It's exciting to me that you're finding happiness in your own way. I personally believe all happiness stems from self-integrity, which also stems from belief... so if you blame it on the church - that's ok. If you're following what you believe right now, you should be happy.
But also, don't be afraid to ask the tough questions.
Mike,
it does feel like a decision more and more. I think like the decision to be married, it's a pretty big shift when the decision is made, but then you have to keep making it everyday. You wake up and decide all over again, if you are going to act like a married person that day. I'm not married so i'm hypothesizing this.
i'm so pleased to hear about your discussions and new friendship with your friend.
when I was exploring and finally talking about my own feelings of same sex attraction, it was crucial for me to tell my friends and family about it. I had actually been urged in prayer by Heavenly Father to tell everyone. It was Him that I first confessed the feelings to, and he told me, "I love you the way that you are, and if anyone ever tells you differently, they are lying." That gave me a lot of strength to face the negative reactions, and it changed a lot of self-hate into confidence and peace with who I am.
I actually went on dates with a girl in Portland and thought a lot about this alternative lifestyle.
I have decided to live my attraction to men, and my dream of being married and bearing the children of my partner. But I can see how crucial it was for me to bring this painful and terrifying area of my soul into the light and integrate it with all of my life. I feel like this new testimony I am developing may have less innocent faith than before, but much more confidence and throroughness. It is so important for people who are gay to talk about it with others, and to know for themselves that people love them exactly the way that they are. it's a huge question you have deep inside, "Would they still love me if they knew who I really was?" and it can only be answered by actually going there and telling the secret. Otherwise, you just don't know.
My family and friends were incredible and supportive and loving and understanding. there were rough spots, and I yelled at one of my best friends, and was shocked at some of the ignorance and rudeness and insensitivity, but overall I was loved through it all.
I hope to provide compassion and understanding and love to anyone else who experiences same sex attraction in the church. The gay community is very kind and welcoming and supportive and our church community should be that way too or we push people out into that community as their only option.
It's scary for me to post about this publicly, but I feel truly called to a mission to facilitate discussion and compassion on the issue of same sex attraction in our Mormon community. There are so many tears shed, and so many hearts breaking in the dark. I want to offer my hand as a hand to hold, and encourage every latter-day saint to do the same when their friends or family need it. I'm so happy to hear about your talks with your friend Mike. It inspires hope in me for more of our people.
Feel free to tell your friend to write to me if he wants to.
And there is a Gay Mormon organization called Affirmation that he might want to check out.
I also spoke to a counselor at LDS family services about my feelings. It didn't really give me any new insight or breakthrough, but my bishop recommended it when I told him about my feelings, and I wanted to do everything that was possible to understand who I am.
The LDS family services just wasn't very helpful though, I'm glad I tried it out.
I also tried another LDS private therapist who focused on sexual issues, but after two meetings, I knew we weren't a fit either.
Then my a doctor friend that I babysat for, and told my feelings to, offered to sponsor me to see a very expensive non-LDS therapist once a week for half a year. I feel like I had the most progress with her as far as finding peace. It was really nice to speak about it openly and know that she wasn't trying to convert me or quote scripture, but just listened and tried to help me find peace as an individual person based on my feelings of what is right, and not on anyone else's council. She actually taught me to follow my own inner compass. And i wasn't used to doing that, after hiding being attracted to women for so long, I wasn't used to really listening to my own voice and heart and soul.
I also attended the Landmark Forum and Advanced Course as well as the Sex and Intimacy Seminar, and these classes completely freed me from the dark fear of myself and others. It was actually in the Landmark Forum that I gained the courage to tell my family. The question they ask you over and over is, "What are you pretending? How are you being inauthentic?" Whoah, that was an intense question for me, because I had such a secret.
Another thing tool I used was hypnotherapy, just three times, in a beautiful sanctuary in Portland with Pedro Escobar, wow, beautiful moments. I wanted to be in touch with my subconscious because I felt driven my subconscious desires that conflicted with my conscious desires. not just sexually, but in the way I ate, and worked at my job, and treated my roomates, so often what I thought I wanted, and what I actually did automatically was out of sync, and i wanted to know what I really wanted. so Pedro asked me about that in hypnosis, and then spoke of the new possibilities that I invented when I was very relaxed. I liked this, and I wish I had discovered him sooner, I only knew him for the last month I lived in Portland.
Amber - You are so Right On about happiness coming from inner integrity. Amen sister. I guess then, I blame my happiness on being true to my soul. And it's fascinating to me that my soul craves the practice of The Church of Jesus Christ of LatterDay Saints right now. It didn't last year as I wrestled with finding my soul's voice, but this year it does.
thanks for listening to me you guys, it's really one of my favorite love languages, to be listened to makes me feel loved.
I love you.
Lumina,
I find interesting how you speak about choosing to live the dream of having a family, etc. I often discount those who imply that life is made up purely of perception and we can make whatever we want of it, but what you said makes a lot of sense and goes along with many of my own beliefs.
Behind our passions there is often an ideal by which we justify these passions. I think the ideal that motivates my gay friend is the concpet of intimacy. It reminds me of the old philosophy of platonic love in that in that the love has been separated from the physical/procreative motive that justifies heterosexual relationships. In any case, the ideal that we choose to follow guides which passions we harness and which ones we act on. In the case of my friend, since he holds this ideal of intimacy, he must suppress feelings such as guilt about acting contrary to the church teachings, and the desire to please those around him. In essence, he has chosen to live a certain dream, at least for now.
I think it is critical that you mention your inner compass, because we are cautioned above all to have no other Gods before God. To me this means that no ideal or principle should be placed above God. Even worthy principles such as intimacy and family must be placed in their proper place and the only thing that can guide us when the choices truly become difficult is our own inner compass. Were it not for our own divine nature we would not be able to distinguish the divine from the that which is an obstacle to our progress.
Yellow,
My heart leapt with your answer about self-integrity... a sure indicator that you speak the truth. :)
Lumina,
I'm doing the Book of Mormon challenge too... but my own way. I skipped all the Isaiah sections, and the Jacob 5 Olive Tree Analogy, and skipped merrily over to Enos and beyond. I love the challenge, because it made me look dead faced at my own laziness. I liked that so much.
Where you have Book of Mormon issues, I have such issues with the temple. There's so much I just don't get, and again, I've been too lazy to find out. But a place where my testimony shines is in the law of tithing. Man alive, have I seen a consistency of tithing miracles in my life!
And I can't tell you how much I ADORE the law of chastity. I feel a firey blaze in my whole being when it comes that law in my life. YAHOO!!! WOOPEEEEEE!!!! HURRAY FOR CHASTITY!!!
Lumina,
I ran a Sunday marathon. I have no idea if that helps at all... seeing as I'm a constantly struggling Mormon.
I always relate the choice of being a Mormon to being married too. Have we ever talked about that? Funny.
I love you all and am so grateful for the open minds and discussions.
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