HOW to Love a Leaver II

Ryan's comparison of fighting for the life of a suicidal friend to my question about how to show love to a close one who has left the [LDS] church has been the focus of many of my thoughts lately. I think this analogy is a great one, and may help reach the answer to my question, and problem.

The question is still: HOW to love a leaver? How do you best demonstrate your love for them, while experiencing the loss... in my parents case, believing in the loss of having one of their children with them and the rest of the family in the hereafter.

HOW do you “fight” (in Ryan's words) for the life of a suicidal friend?

I've only known one person of my acquaintance who has committed suicide, and I was not close to them, so I cannot say how I would deal with the loss.

I have, however, had a very close friend attempt suicide, and many others I've known discuss their thoughts about the possibility of committing suicide. At one point in my life, I thought a lot about the possibility as well.

I'm happy to report that nine years after the attempt, my good friend is still alive. I cannot claim to have any sure contribution to my friend surviving the trying time of his life. In fact, I believe that any desire he kept to remain with us in this life came from within himself.

But HOW show love? My friends' suicide attempt affected my severely. I had ignored an intuition to call my friend the night of his attempt, so I felt partial responsibility in this low point in his life. I was heartbroken – for both our sakes. I cried, I prayed, and I did everything I could to show my love for my friend. (I eventually came to a place where I was able to cope after composing a beautiful song in his honor.)

But still, I haven't addressed this issue: the fight itself. When I've learned of loved ones thoughts of suicide, my initial reaction has always been 'why?' followed by the desire to listen, and be a support for them. When I went through thoughts of suicide myself, what I hoped for more than anything was a listening ear. Someone who would listen to my cry for help, and just be willing to listen, and possibly even empathize.

Part of my internal struggle was that I knew thoughts suicide was selfish, and would accomplish nothing of positive consequence. It would get me the attention I desired, but not in time to be of any use. I hated myself for thinking selfishly, and this self hatred only deepened the desire to end it all. Luckily, I was able to find the personal strength to find a hope for value in my life, and avoid the attempting the thoughts that were constantly swimming through my mind.

Had I found someone to talk to about my struggle, it would NOT have helped to be told that I was being selfish, that my ending my life would do no good, or anything like this. What I needed was a listener, a hug, and someone to try to understand me.

Unfortunately, I can liken much of the reaction I've gotten from church members to this latter example. Being compared to archetypal wicked Book of Mormon characters, or being lectured that the direction I'm going is wrong do not help the cause. Certainly, they stem from a source of love. But the “fight” only deepens the feelings of rejection and pain.

What I seek is understanding, eventually. In the mean time, a willingness to listen, and to know that this is a time of deep personal pain. With each sharp arrow thrown from a bow of love, my pains and struggles deepen... and the struggle to reconcile my current understanding of my path and the courage I knew it would take to follow this path is becoming worse. If the “fight” is for my spiritual life – and what it should be in the eyes of those within the church – the approach of constantly trying to “remind me” or “drive home” the messages of the church only make the struggle to not become embittered about the church more difficult.

If I am ever to return to a belief in the church, it will be because I feel it is a source of unconditional love. Unconditional is key. Do not love who you want me to be. Do not love what you feel I should be. Recognize and appreciate value that is CURRENTLY in me – believing member of the church or not.