Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Do you Believe in Soul Mates?

Some of you are married, some of you engaged, some of you searching. And all of you are romantics at heart.

Do you believe in soul mates?

Thursday, September 28, 2006

A way to heal

What makes a mother get to the point where all she can say about her daughter is "we learned we have to trust the Lord in our mistakes"?

She's a good mother, and I am a good daughter. So how can it get to the point where her life history reports only that I'm a mistake? She's still alive... there is still time to change history.

When she goes to church on Sundays, she hears people from the pulpit saying "there is no greater joy than seeing all your children in the temple" or something very similar. In fact, she herself used to be one to speak of how joyful it was to have one hundred percent success with righteous children. Of course, my parents were never so proud as to take credit for the righteousness of their children (publicly anyhow). No, it was their faithfulness to church teachings like Family Home Evening, and blessings, that led to the perfect family.

I have never had the desire to rebel. Even when I disagreed with my parents, rebellion has never been an action that has crossed my mind. I didn't want to make them unhappy. The rules made sense. My parents were great examples and I enjoyed being brought up by them. I would try to show my love not only through my words, but through my actions. I wouldn't do things that would disappoint them, if I could help it. In fact, acting in a way that would disappoint my parents was the biggest cause of any guilt I've ever experienced and had to overcome.

My parents believe that there are certain actions we must choose to take in this life in order to be "exalted" in the next. These include baptism into the right church, and marriage in the right way. Being "sealed" in the temple is not just between husband and wife - it's a bond between entire families. A sealed family will be together eternally, in the "highest degree of glory." You can perform these rites, and still fall short of these eternal blessings if you don't live the proper moral life. However, the reverse is not true. You can live a proper, moral life, but if you choose not to perform these rites, you are damned - cut short of eternal progression and the opportunity to remain together.

Despite the best efforts of my parents, I have grown into an adult who does not share their religious beliefs. I do not believe in the necessity of ritual in this life to progress to a higher afterlife. As much as I would like to please my parents, I also must live an authentic life, and therefore cannot ascribe to a religion to appease my family. Now, no matter how moral my actions are, they can never be good enough to "save my soul."

Now, every time my parents hear someone say "there is no greater joy than..." they feel the painful sting of having a child who has made the choice to abandon them eternally.
Every time they hear that family is central to their religion, they will ache with pain.
Every time they hear the promise that if they "train up a child in the way he should go . . . when he is old he will not depart from it" they wonder what they did wrong.

It's guilt.
They feel responsible for my agency.
It's how I know that although they would not admit a sense of ownership over my "righteous" behavior, they cannot help but feel guilt and ownership for my lack of it.
I have become the black sheep. The prodigal. The mistake.

My parents also believe in a God who is a spiritual Father to all who live on this planet. What reigned supreme in the plan for our existence was to give agency to his children, the ability to choose their own way. They believe this God is perfect. They believe this God loves ALL his children, even those who "go astray."

My parents raised us to be "independent adults, not dependent children." In other words, they wanted us to be able to think for ourselves, and make our own choices. They chose to give us agency.

Following the example of a God they believe to be perfect, I hope one day they will be able to look beyond "their mistake" and simply love. Forgiving themselves will be the only way we can heal the relationship that religious belief has severed.

Monday, June 19, 2006

The Universe is *Still* Alive

I didn't really get any answers from this post; maybe that's because no one wanted to offer any, but I'd still like some, so I'm re-posting it. Maybe this will cheer people up a little bit.

James and I have been talking a lot about spiritual fulfillment lately.

We both don't get all our spiritual needs met at church. So where do we pick up the slack?

James gets many of his spiritual needs met helping people who need it; that's everyday work for him. Oh, I remember helping people! My needs used to get met at Northwest, where I would have wonderful spiritual experiences regularly. The credit union.... not so much. I've been gardening more, which feels wonderful, and spending more quiet moments alone or with trees, but still, my spirit needs fuel. *sigh*

So, my question is: Where are you getting your spiritual needs met?

Saturday, June 10, 2006

I've Made a Change!!!

I just went ahead and did it! If you disagree, please let me know, please say I shouldn't have changed the settings and that I had not the right...

No more anonymous posts. My reasoning is this: I think this blog used to have a lot of potential, but frankly I find the conversations lacking. I also suggest to the group to consider having the comment settings as "only registered members" as this might allow us to engage in conversation that is productive and thought-producing.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Love your Neighbor

So most of you know that I don't really attend church these days. I learned that Sunday, a letter was read over the pulpit in all LDS wards around the country asking members to write their Senators urging them to support the Federal Marriage Amendment Act. The LDS church has also joined the Christian Coalition in a signed statement of support.

I can't find the words to say exactly how I feel about this. It saddens me. If I hadn't chosen to stop going to church by this time, this would have been very strong motivation to stop.

I agree with what this blogger has to say on the matter, and feel they say it very well:
Exponent II: Making Sense of Sunday

The Universe is Alive

James and I have been talking a lot about spiritual fulfillment lately.

We both don't get all our spiritual needs met at church. So where do we pick up the slack?

James gets many of his spiritual needs met helping people who need it; that's everyday work for him. Oh, I remember helping people! My needs used to get met at Northwest, where I would have wonderful spiritual experiences regularly. The credit union.... not so much. I've been gardening more, which feels wonderful, and spending more quiet moments alone or with trees, but still, my spirit needs fuel. *sigh*

So, my question is: Where are you getting your spiritual needs met?

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Dusting it Off

This blog has fallen asleep. I'm wondering if it's just because we're busy, if you all have other great avenues for spiritual discussion, or if we've become spiritually dusty. Or it could be something else all together.

I've been thinking about blessings. I loved the blessing I had before I gave birth, and felt its strength while in labor.

Now, my baby is very sick. He's already been to the doctor once, but we don't really know what to do for him. He's in so much pain, it breaks my heart.

I'm wondering what kind of faith I have in blessings right now. Do I have enough faith in healing to bless my baby, or is my faith so shaped by past experience that I will require an LDS priesthood holder to bless him? I don't know. I DO have faith in blessings... I've been healed, and I have witnessed miraculous things. I believe the power comes from a unity of spirit, as well as faith - in this case the ability to convince our own minds that we can heal. Our minds are amazingly powerful tools, often under-used.

How do I develop the strength of mind to send healing peace to my son?

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Conference~!

Wow!

It was good.

I am Mormon all over again for 6 months.

I hear that Pres. Hinckley called out Utah for racism in Priesthood session!

He was really brilliant and beautiful in the Sunday session...wow...I love him. He's a hero to look up to...I cried and cried while he was speaking...sad to think of him leaving us soon.

What did you love in Conference?

I really believed President Hinckley when he described the Restoration...for some reason it was very powerful for me this time...like he and I were just in a room together and he was telling me this story, one on one...the God of the Universe actually appeared to the boy in a grove of trees, in broad daylight, it actually happened...I don't know what happened this time out of all the times I have heard this...but wow...I heard him this time...a message he spoke a week ago, on another continent, and I felt the power of it still...like we were in a hallway and the words travelled down the corridor and entered me.

And I also got that Jesus is the Father and brother that I've always wanted...a man to put his arm around me...telling me I'm precious and protected...ready to defend me and lift me up at any time that I need him...I just felt that and got excited...

I was really shining and happy today....listening to good men and women say hopeful and shining things for 4 hours, surrounded by friends and springtime...

Love Lumina