roses
The pain involved in leaving your faith reminds me of one poignant moment in my own spiritual reckoning. I call it my spiritual mental breakdown. I was physically disabled by it one day. Crying and shaking and hysterical. It was one of the scariest moments of my life, to feel the essence of all of my hope and faith and belief crumble away, and be left utterly naked in the face of the world around me.
No one could save me from that moment.....and I am grateful for it and it's repercussions in my life.
Emily Potter walked by my room at that moment, and I followed her, and begged her to let me go wherever she was going because I was so afraid to be alone. she was going to church, but stayed home with me, and listened to me. I'm so glad she took me seriously and listened and loved and honored me while I struggled.
I want to do that for you Amber and Paul, and anyone else. I love your questions and I love your integrity. I love you for living through the pain and into your realest truest selves. I love you.
I believe in questioning all the way to the core. I believe in shaking it so hard that all the leaves fall off, and only the bones are bare.
I also believe in seasons....
that in the coldest dark of winter, there is life waiting below...spring comes fro everyone and everything...miraculously...and that the barest trees will flower forth and bare fruit in what seems like the blink of an eye. The world rotates, and everything changes quickly, death comes before resurrection.
I love you everyone here.
On my journey, my diary reads, that I discovered a beautiful warmspot of sunbeam sunlight, in the Book of Mormon! The Book of Mormon, went from completely dull and dreary, to shining and bright, in the turning of a few paper-thin pages. I'm very excited about that.
And, I brought my friend Hyun to church with me, and to meet with the missionaries. Missionaries shine! We watched the Restoration DVD in Korean, and the Spirit was tangible.
Hyun said, "The people at your church and the sangyossa (missionaries), their eyes are very pure and very true."
I couldn't help but smile so wide! I felt so happy.
No one could save me from that moment.....and I am grateful for it and it's repercussions in my life.
Emily Potter walked by my room at that moment, and I followed her, and begged her to let me go wherever she was going because I was so afraid to be alone. she was going to church, but stayed home with me, and listened to me. I'm so glad she took me seriously and listened and loved and honored me while I struggled.
I want to do that for you Amber and Paul, and anyone else. I love your questions and I love your integrity. I love you for living through the pain and into your realest truest selves. I love you.
I believe in questioning all the way to the core. I believe in shaking it so hard that all the leaves fall off, and only the bones are bare.
I also believe in seasons....
that in the coldest dark of winter, there is life waiting below...spring comes fro everyone and everything...miraculously...and that the barest trees will flower forth and bare fruit in what seems like the blink of an eye. The world rotates, and everything changes quickly, death comes before resurrection.
I love you everyone here.
On my journey, my diary reads, that I discovered a beautiful warmspot of sunbeam sunlight, in the Book of Mormon! The Book of Mormon, went from completely dull and dreary, to shining and bright, in the turning of a few paper-thin pages. I'm very excited about that.
And, I brought my friend Hyun to church with me, and to meet with the missionaries. Missionaries shine! We watched the Restoration DVD in Korean, and the Spirit was tangible.
Hyun said, "The people at your church and the sangyossa (missionaries), their eyes are very pure and very true."
I couldn't help but smile so wide! I felt so happy.
posted by luminainfinite at 10:05 PM
2 Comments:
I believe that the vicissitudes of life can be disorienting, causing pain, anger, and anxiety. Ultimately, I know that they also bring wisdom, satisfaction, and equip us to help others through similar situations. Thank you for your loving support.
Thank you for honoring me in this entry. I remember that day vividly.
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